Where our money habits come from

Have you ever wondered where you get your ideas about money? Maybe you’re a spender, who’s always telling yourself that you might as well enjoy your money, because things have a way of working out. Or maybe you’re someone who prefers to be a lot more frugal, and worries about what might be around the corner.

Often, we don’t question these in-built beliefs. They’re just part of who we are, in the same way that we might have strong feelings about pineapple on pizza, or socks with Crocs. But diving a little deeper into what’s shaped our approach to finances, and what that might mean for us, can be really helpful.

The money lessons we never knew we were learning

As with many things in life, a lot of our money habits are picked up early, from watching our parents. Even without really realising it, you may have absorbed judgements about how household finances should be dealt with. If you watched your parents argue over money, it might have become something you’d rather not think about. Maybe you grew up with less money than was comfortable, and now want to make sure you’ve always got an emergency fund to fall back on. Or maybe your parents were great with money and imparted lessons about investing and saving that have made you a financially confident adult.

Growing up in a “she’ll be right house” can create a much different approach to finances that a childhood spent in a “we can’t afford that” house, even if your parents weren’t consciously trying to teach you a lesson.

Saver, spender, avoider – where your script came from

If you think about your childhood, were there any clear messages that you picked up? Identifying these may help you to work out how you’re applying them to your life now. This might even be happening subconsciously, and you may not be aware of the extent to which it’s shaping your approach to your money. Once you notice and name those ingrained attitudes, it can be easier to work out whether they are serving you or not.

Were your parents the sort who checked their bank balances regularly, worrying as they went to the ATM for cash? Did you find bills hidden in drawers? Were they hanging out for paydays and worrying about purchases? Was money something you talked about, or was it seen as a subject that was not for polite conversation? Many of these things are just part of the wallpaper of childhood and we may not even immediately understand the extent to which they can shape us as adults.

When two money upbringings share on budget

Research by the Retirement Commission showed money can be a significant source of relationship stress, particularly among young couples. Sometimes, having grown up with different approaches to finance can add to that. If one half of a couple wants to build up emergency savings before going on a holiday and thinks debt is dangerous, while the other thinks debt is a useful tool to get to wider goals, you may need to have some deep conversations to determine an appropriate path.

If you and your partner come from quite different backgrounds when it comes to money, you may clash because you’re bringing different expectations and experiences to money management. Neither person is necessarily wrong, but navigating the differences will probably be a key part of finding a solution everyone can live with.

The old rules that no longer fit

Parents can leave their kids with lots of things, but like the VHS player you grew up with or your iPod from 2004, not everything continues to serve us. Your parents might have had rules like “never borrow money” or “cash only” which don’t apply in quite the same way to a world in which life can be very expensive, and increasingly digital. You’re dealing with some things that your parents may not have had or even contemplated, such as KiwiSaver, buy-now-pay-later, vehicle finance and higher house prices.

Many of the tools they relied on aren’t really used any more, like cheque books. You might find even they are no longer sticking to the “old rules” you may have absorbed.

If you’re struggling with beliefs that haven’t kept up with the changing financial world, you may just need to interrogate them a bit and work out which are worth keeping, and which are past their use-by date.

There’s no problem in acknowledging that some beliefs aren’t working as well for you now as they might have 20 years ago, but you may also find that with a simple update some of the money lessons your parents taught you are worth sharing with your own kids, too.

Noticing your patterns without judging them

Next time you notice yourself preparing to say something your mother or father might have said, it could be an opportunity to take a pause. Are you defaulting to “we can’t afford that” out of habit, or because it’s actually true? Maybe you’re teaching your kids to rely on cash because it’s just what you do. You might consider why you’ve jumped to that – is it habit, or does it really make sense? Are you just passing on messages to your kids because they’re what you learned, or are they what you really believe?

All your habits can be gently adjusted to make them a better fit with your life. Awareness is the first step, and from there you can focus on what tweaks might be needed. You probably don’t need a full overhaul.

If you’ve been thinking about your finances, and have questions about your personal lending options, we’re here to help.

Disclaimer: Please note that the content provided in this article is intended as an overview and as general information only, not financial advice. While care is taken to ensure accuracy and reliability, the information provided is subject to continuous change and may not reflect current developments or address your situation. Before making any decisions based on the information provided in this article, please use your discretion and seek independent guidance.